"When the Great Master was not on the road living the glamorous life of a famous musician, he enjoyed nothing more than to spend time with his loved ones," said Slingsby as we entered the largest room in Stewart Manor. "Here in his family room he enjoyed the simpler things in life: reading the newspaper, watching TV, listening to records, playing with his kids..."
"How many children did the Great Master have?" asked one older man.
"Four," replied Slingsby. "Senator Violet K. Stewart, born in 1993, was the eldest. She was followed in 1997 by Sir Guy A. Stewart, the famed philosopher, historian, and viticulturist. U.S. Chief Justice Lionel A. Stewart was born in 2001, and Dr. Slingsby A. Stewart, my great-great-great-great-grandfather, rounded out the family in 2004."
"Such accomplished children!" gushed one lady. "The Great Master must have been very proud of them."
"Well, all except for Lionel of course. He was a lawyer."
Slingsby led us across the room to the fireplace. Above the mantle hung the children's many diplomas from the world's finest institutions of higher learning. Only Lionel's degree from Harvard Law School was turned to face the wall.
"Lionel moved to Boston in 2020. His postcards indicated he was the lead triangle player in a post-modern, retro-punk, doo-wop bar band called The Privacy Invaders." Slingsby picked up a small ceramic toad from the mantle and fingered it absentmindedly. "He said he was living in a small, one-room apartment in Cambridge, composing songs by day and performing by night, perpetually broke and living hand-to-mouth. But he also demanded his father not send him any money as he was determined to make it in the music industry on his own.
"All fabrications, as it turned out. He had secretly enrolled at Harvard where he graduated first in his class in just two years. Eight months later he was senior partner at a thriving law firm and had won election to the Massachusetts state legislature.
"The ruse was discovered only when the Great Master, while on a tour stop in Boston, looked up his son's address expecting to find a seedy tenement building. Instead he discovered a beautiful Victorian mansion with a red BMW in the driveway.
"Lionel tearfully confessed the truth to his father, who of course was devastated. It's rumored that when the Great Master returned home, his only words to Lady Kristine were 'I shouldn't have gone to Cambridge to see Lionel' before locking himself in the wine cellar for three days. His next album, 'Black Sheep Blues' consisted entirely of songs about children who had caused immense heartache to their parents -- Oedipus, Lizzy Borden, Idi Amin, Billy Carter, Valerie Bertinelli, and the like."
Truly a tragic story, I thought as I wiped a tear from my eye. But I reminded myself that I was here on business. The items to the left of the fireplace caught my attention. Among the lithographs, paintings, cartoon cels, Web pages, and other fine art was a framed photograph of a elderly French gentleman in a beret, standing beside a small Parisian newsstand. It was autographed "To Al, merci pour le 'plug' mon ami, regards, Paul Gervaise"
That was promising. I scanned the frame with my temporal sight restorer to find:
1995 ASML BOAP: Best Album Cover
# Album Votes ------------------------------------------ 1 A-Between The Wars 33.00 2 A-Year Of The Cat 21.00 3 A-Past, Present And Future 16.00 4 A-Modern Times 12.00 5 A-Last Days Of The Century 6.00
"Just three days in the wine cellar?" asked one woman. "I would have imagined he'd need months to recover."
"Well, his attitude towards lawyers had mellowed somewhat over the years," explained Slingsby. "It all began with the famous 'Trial Of The Last Days Of The Century', I suppose. Ah, but that's a very long story indeed. We should make ourselves at home."
Slingsby settled down in the Great Master's easy chair and pushed a button on the armrest. It gently slid into a reclining position, a footrest swinging up into place. A second button caused three burning logs to materialize in the fireplace, and a third produced a glass of chilled Chablis on the end table. "Nice chair," he mumbled. "Now, where were we?"
"Ah yes, the Trial. Corporate mergers were all the rage in the Stewartian Era, and it was just a matter of time before they spread to the recording industry. In 1996, Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney announced that they had combined their enormous copyright holdings into the world's largest music publishing house. By 1998, Jackson-McCartney Publishing, Inc. owned the rights to all songs by every major artist but one: The Great Master.
"Efforts to persuade him to sell were unsuccessful. Jackson and McCartney visited Stewart Manor personally at one point carrying attache cases stuffed with hundred dollar bills plus a case of rare French wine. McCartney appealed to the Great Master's sense of duty to queen and country, to no avail. Jackson offered to host Violet and Guy at his estate for an afternoon, but that netted him only a rolling pin in the head courtesy of Lady Kristine.
"In a huff, the pair stormed out of Stewart Manor. The Great Master yelled to McCartney, 'And you can't have Laurence back, either!' as he slammed the door."
Slingsby took a sip of Chablis before continuing the story. "Furious, Jackson and McCartney turned to the courts. They filed a $100 million lawsuit contending that the Great Master stole the title for his 1973 album, 'Past, Present, and Future', from Jackson's own 1995 release.
"In the summer of 1999, JMP vs. Frabjous Music opened in Greater Los Angeles District Court, Judge Lance Ito presiding. Representing JMP were a phalanx of lawyers, legal scholars, and investigators who became known in the media as the Harmony Army. The Great Master, against the advice of his friends and family, represented himself.
"The trial began quietly. The Great Master explained that album and song titles were not copyrightable, and even if they were, his album predated Jackson's by two decades. Then he rested his case and sat down."
Everyone in the tour group gasped. A few tried, with mixed success, to stifle snickers. Finally, one older lady in the back murmured, "How could a man of such intelligence behave so naively?"
Slingsby shook his head sadly. "There is no good explanation. The Great Master was shockingly ingenuous when it came to legal matters. He believed the purpose of the courts was to settle disputes fairly and impartially based on the evidence alone.
"Of course, our modern society has accepted the legal system as being partly for mass entertainment, partly as a forum to air outlandish psychiatric and conspiracy theories, and partly as a means for powerful organizations to beat up on one another without actually having to resort to firearms.
"At any rate, the plaintiffs counterattack was sure and strong. Robert Shapiro began by introducing the tenet of 'post hoc ergo prompter hoc' -- i.e., the fact that one occurrence precedes another in time does not necessarily confer cause-effect status. Specifically, that Jackson's album followed the Great Master's does not imply that the latter caused the former. It could in fact mean that the former caused the latter, or they caused each other recursively, or the latter caused itself while the former crawled out of the primordial ooze, or any combination thereof.
"Johnnie Cochrane then cast doubt on the notion of temporal precedence in general. Expert witness Albert Einstein, testifying posthumously, noted that time was relative according to the velocity of the observer. Because McCartney and Jackson moved faster through the music industry than the Great Master, argued Cochrane, it could very well be that 1995 for them was actually 1971 to others, and at any rate it was the defendant's burden to prove that the burden of proof was on the plaintiff, and it hadn't done so. He closed by slapping a CD of Past, Present and Future onto the Great Master's table and challenging him to prove conclusively to the jury that the album existed at that very moment, let alone in 1973.
"Copyright laws were discredited by Barry Scheck, who demonstrated that there was ample precedence for the suit. Styx, Lionel Richie, the Little River Band, and several others had different hit singles under the name 'Lady'. Santana and Kansas and Triumph each recorded songs titled 'Hold On', .38 Special did 'Hold On Loosely', and ELO had 'Hold On Tight'. And, JMP had successfully sued all of them under the fundamental legal principle of 'maiores divioresque te sumus, ergo ha!', or 'we're bigger and richer than you are, so there!'
"The Great Master's case was reeling by this point, and it was left to F. Lee Bailey to deliver the final blow. Under a blistering cross-examination, the Great Master admitted he had written that 'time slips through your fingers' and that he 'was not the kind to live in the past'. Most damagingly, he was forced to concede that, if he had a time machine, he knew just where he'd go.
"The jury was ready to deliver a 'guilty' verdict then and there, but Bailey had one more ace to play. He noted that the Great Master was a history enthusiast who had written a song about Nostradamus in 1973. Certain lyrics eerily foretold the death of Pope Paul VI in 1978 and the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989. Bailey suggested to the jury that anyone who could predict major world events with such uncanny accuracy could also predict future album titles as mere child's play.
"In a dramatic denouement to the questioning, Bailey asked the Great Master which of his albums 'Nostradamus' appeared on. In a shaking voice he replied 'Past, Present and Future'. Bailey barked 'No further questions' and sat down to the applause of spectators, judge, and jury alike."
Slingsby paused for dramatic effect. Several of the tourists slumped dejectedly in their seats. I thought the little girl with the ice cream cone was going to cry. As for me, I couldn't suppress a smile for two reasons. One, I knew how the story ended. And two, I had found another poll result.
A wooden cabinet next to the television held a collection of old style video cassettes. The Great Master, it seemed, was partial to old movies, documentaries, and British comedians. On the faded sleeve of one tape, the title of which I could not make out, was this inscription: "Thanks for the singing lessons, Al -- regards, 'Stig'." Must have been one of his old British mates. On a completely different tape were these words:
1995 ASML BOAP: Best Actor to Portray Al In A Movie
# Actor Votes --------------------------------- 1 Eric Idle 16.00 2 Hugh Grant 11.00 3 Pierce Bronson 2.00 4 Himself 2.00 5 Keanu Reeves 2.00 6 Arnold Schwarzenegger 2.00
(A footnote to the table read: '41 people agree that this category is far too silly and that we'll have to stop the poll now.')
"So what happened, Slingsby?" asked someone. "How did the Trial turn out?"
Slingsby refilled his wine glass with a push of a button. "Put mildly, things looked bleak for the Great Master. Not only was he in danger of a massive judgment against him, not to mention the loss his songs, but the trial judge spent the weekend recess researching California state sentencing guidelines for witchcraft.
"After two painful days of soul-searching, the Great Master decided he could no longer go it alone. He retained the famous firm of Davis & Carroll, Attorneys-At-Law for a very nominal fee, plus a promise that the Great Master would not perform a certain song in public ever again, cross his heart and hope to die.
"That agreed, his counsel sprang into action. Skillfully avoiding any facts, they reopened the defense case and painstakingly rebutted point after plaintiff's point. They demonstrated that time was on their side, time won't let them, time loves a hero, time waits for no man, and, most importantly, time is money. This latter revelation was particularly devastating to the Harmony Army when it was shown they were being paid by the hour.
"They showed that the court had no jurisdiction over the case, that the judge had once recused himself in public without a permit, and that the jury was biased because one of them secretly owned a pair of German shepherds named Tito and Jermaine.
"More importantly, they proved that JMP, Inc. was a monopoly in violation of 33 separate Federal statutes. That caught the attention of the Powell Administration, with Attorney General Mitchell opening several probes into the business dealings of the two principals. Within hours, the case was dismissed. Not only was the Great Master exonerated, but as restitution he was awarded the rights to 'The Girl Is Mine' which he promptly rewrote the lyrics to be an exchange between Paris and Menalaus regarding Helen of Troy.
"Brought up on malpractice charges by the ABA, the Harmony Army were ordered to spend the rest of their careers working as public defenders in Los Angeles Small Claims Court for minimum scale. JMP, Inc. was shut down by the Feds and all its copyrights were returned to their original authors. Jackson and McCartney wound up working as assistant jingle writers for an advertising firm in southeast Nebraska whose only account was a local cow de-worming service."
Slingsby sipped the last of his wine and sat up in the chair. "So you see, all's well that ends well. The entire affair is documented in the Great Master's 2001 hit, 'OK, So Not All Lawyers Are Scum'."
While Slingsby fielded questions from the group, I quietly scanned the Great Master's audio discs. There were no results on any the CD's themselves, but when I bent over to tie the lace on my shoe I noticed some words written on the base of the rack itself. It was a short list; I'm very fortunate I didn't miss it.
1995 ASML BOAP: Most Requested Cover Song
# Song Artist Votes ------------------------------------------------------- 1 You Can Call Me Al Paul Simon 4.00 2 Tangled Up in Blue Bob Dylan 2.00 3 Canadian Railroad Trilogy Gordon Lightfoot 2.00
"I see you're admiring the Great Master's record collection," said Slingsby as he walked over to me. "Here, let me show you something special."
He unlocked an antique oak cabinet next to the stereo to reveal dozens, maybe hundreds, of vinyl record albums! "Needless to say, these items are worth a small fortune apiece. Museums around the world have sought to purchase the set, but we prefer it remain right here in Stewart Manor."
"That's odd," I said as I skimmed through the Old English titles. "None of these are by the Great Master."
"Really?" said one middle-aged man in a Rhymes In Rooms T-shirt. "Boy, you'd think he'd have owned a few Al Stewart albums."
We all froze. The little red haired girl dropped her ice cream cone in horror. Her frail old grandmother went white as a sheet; I was certain she was going to faint. No one, not even the avatar, made a sound. To mention the name of the Great Master in public was the most heinous social gaffe of our time!
I put my hand on the back of the sofa and caught my breath. Two centuries have passed, I told myself. The Great Master's reputation is firmly established. What are the odds that anyone, anywhere, after all these years, could possibly....
...and then it happened. A slack-jawed kid in late teens, his unkempt hair shooting out under his backwards baseball cap (for some fashions never seem to go out of style) was jarred awake from a faraway daydream "Al Stewart?!" he exclaimed. "Hey, I know that dude! He sang 'Do Ya Think I'm Sexy', right?"
The elderly woman passed out. For a second there, I thought I might join her.
The next few seconds were a blur. Two white-coated hospital attendants materialized on either side of the youth. Slingsby, maintaining his air of professionalism admirably, strode up and put his hand gently on the young man's shoulder, "Son, you're going to be all right," he said reassuringly. "These gentlemen will take good care of you."
Out of the corner of his mouth, Slingsby crisply addressed the orderlies. "Probably just a case of mild heat stroke. Administer two units of Modern Times followed by one each of Between The Wars and Time Passages. Inform me in two hours of his progress. If there's no improvement we'll have to try intravenous dosages of To Whom It May Concern, but I don't think it'll come to that. And please locate his parents and tell them not to worry."
With that, the three of them beamed off to the infirmary.
The middle-aged man, choking back tears, said, "I-I-I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me. Will that poor lad be OK?"
"He'll be fine, sir," said Slingsby softly. "That form of dementia doesn't occur often anymore, but it's still a tragedy when it does. He's quite fortunate it happened here at Stewartland where he could receive prompt medical attention. You know, as hard as it may be to believe, 200 years ago his illness would have gone unrecognized and completely untreated!"
A shudder ran through the crowd. How did our ancestors ever make it out of the 20th century?
Still a bit weak in the knees, I put my hand on the album cabinet to brace myself. Was that a faint smudge of writing on the top panel? Under the beam of my temporal sight restorer, I made out the words "Favorite Artists Besides Al." There were no results listed, but I knew what to do from my experience in the library. A quick count of the albums revealed the following:
1995 ASML BOAP: Favorite Artists Besides Al
# Artist Votes -------------------------------------- 1 Beatles 11 2t Jimmy Buffett 8 2t Jethro Tull 8 2t Elton John 8 5t Alan Parsons Project 7 5t Dire Straits 7 7t Mary Chapin Carpenter 6 7t Bob Dylan 6 7t Fairport Convention 6 10 Neil Young 5
"Folks, I think we're all a bit shaken from that little incident," said Slingsby. "Why don't we all step out onto the Great Master's deck and get a breath of fresh air before we continue the tour...."