"Without question, the 1900's marked the turning point of the human race," said Slingsby as we made our way to the Great Master's private den. "They began with the Industrial Revolution and ended on the Information Revolution, the two most significant technological eras in modern history."
The den was relatively small, with bookshelves and cabinets along one wall and a political map of the world, circa 1995, on another. A beautiful mahogany desk stood in the center of the room. Behind it was a matching credenza on which were a variety of antique electronic devices. Slingsby strode up to a laptop computer that had been painstakingly restored and refurbished.
"As the 21st century dawned, computers had become an established part of day-to-day life. Of course, personal computers like this one were bulky, balky, required obscene amounts of electrical power, and offered extremely limited capabilities. This particular device was considered a portable unit!"
The whole tour group burst out laughing.
"Today," continued Slingsby, waxing philosophic, "all newborn children have Intel Octo-Quadrium(tm) wetware accelerator boards surgically embedded into the base of their cerebrums. They run on the body's natural electrical system, are fully upgradeable via minor outpatient surgery, allow direct neurological access to the Pan-Galactic Net, and provide the computing power of a roomful of these primitive laptops. Put simply, we as a people are light-years ahead of our forefathers."
He turned to the little girl with the ice cream cone. "What's two plus two, honey?"
"3.99999622"
"Very good!" said Slingsby brightly. He patted her on the head.
While that went on, I poked through the knickknacks on the Great Master's shelves. A miniature cable car from San Francisco. A Big Ben statue from London. A nightstick from Philadelphia with the inscription: "Property of Club Maui, one-hotdog-per-customer limit strictly enforced." Hmm, I think that policy is still in effect.
On the underside of a ceramic statue of Castor and Pollux, bought during a tour gig in Minneapolis, I found the following:
1995 ASML BOAP: Best Voter-to-Voter Correlation
# Voter1 Voter2 Correlation --------------------------------------------------- 1 Susan Browning Andy Rex 0.7061 2 Graham Rhodes Steve Smoot 0.6391 3 Dave Nachmanoff Noel Kaplan 0.6197 4 Steve Dreksler Mark Twomey 0.6060 5 Andy Peterman Adam Woolfe 0.5950 6 Ben Henwood Alana Landey 0.5847 7 Mark Twomey Noel Kaplan 0.5739 8 Rona Montag Steve Dreksler 0.5604 9 John Shannon David Capeloto 0.5576 10 Ben Henwood Nick Straguzzi 0.5527 11 John Shannon Noel Kaplan 0.5455 12 John Carr Kurt Schmidt 0.5420 13 Adam Woolfe Lisa Davis 0.5353 14 Andy Peterman John Shannon 0.5337 15 Anne Rasmussen Charlie Hulme 0.5305 16 Richard Horton Nick Straguzzi 0.5274 17 Bob Spector Noel Kaplan 0.5273 18 Steve Smoot David Capeloto 0.5264 19 Brian Carroll Steve Smoot 0.5259 20 David Capeloto Kim Dyer 0.5255 21 Mary Ann Carberry David Capeloto 0.5250 22 Marshall Wood Don Greenop 0.5248 23 Glenn Vallen Mark Twomey 0.5245 24 Keith Palmer Bob Spector 0.5231 25 Steven Vest AEleen Frisch 0.5209
I let out a soft whistle. Let's see, there were 109 ballots cast in the poll. The total number of voter pairs was thus 109 squared, minus 109 (since a voter's correlation with himself was meaningless), divided by 2 (since the A-to-B correlation was the same as B-to-A.) I sent the numbers to my neuroprocessor for calculation.
It came back "42". I've gotta get that damn upgrade installed.
Working with pencil and paper -- how primeval -- I calculated the actual number of pairs at 5,886. The Top 25 therefore represented the top four-tenths of one percent. Quite impressive indeed.
And a 0.7061 covariance between two individuals was extraordinary! Why, even Where Are They Now, Inc., the world's most popular chain of computer dating services, recommend nuptials when a couple's Great Master Compatibility Rating (GMCR) reaches 0.60 or higher.
Next to the statuette was a cedar case containing a pair of 18th-century silver dueling pistols. A quick scan with the temporal sight restorer revealed these words on the inside lid:
1995 ASML BOAP: Lowest Voter-to-Voter Correlation
# Voter1 Voter2 Correlation --------------------------------------------------- 1 Pete Ball Robin Coles -0.3304 2 Jeff Johannes Matt Jarvis -0.3212 3 Douglas MacPhail Chris Read -0.3206 4 Jochen Rindfrey Doug Steele -0.2890 5 Mark Brady Chris Read -0.2819 6 Russ Pierce Shane Barbera -0.2789 7 Jeff Johannes Douglas MacPhail -0.2718 8 Nick Yutko Doug Steele -0.2693 9 Chris Conway Rona Montag -0.2682 10 Veronica Honer Steve Smoot -0.2585 11 Paul Dreifus Doug Steele -0.2566 12 Ela Hnizdo Jeff Johannes -0.2537 13 Russ Pierce Mark Moerman -0.2442 14 Veronica Honer Jochen Rindfrey -0.2435 15 Alan Parker Bob Hofkin -0.2422 16 Lisa Davis Steven Sharpe -0.2414 17 Jeff Johannes Carl Brooks -0.2408 18 Alan Parker Matt Jarvis -0.2302 19 Rob Callum Shane Barbera -0.2294 20 Douglas MacPhail Juhani Lindqvist -0.2285 21 Pete Ball Emily Branson -0.2221 22 Veronica Honer Graham Rhodes -0.2209 23 Rona Montag Chris Read -0.2208 24 Russ Pierce Jeff Porter -0.2208 25 Edmund Chattoe Steven Sharpe -0.2205
A shiver ran through my bones. Minus 0.3304! That was the fourth lowest correlation I'd ever heard of! A Stewartian scholar once estimated the GMCR for famous people throughout history, and the worst was -0.3573 between Mother Teresa and Charles Manson. Second worst was -0.3418 for Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley, third was -0.3361 for Sid Vicious and Sir Laurence Juber.
Slingsby, meanwhile, was demonstrating various 20th-century techniques for breeding scrap paper. One device would generate it, another would create duplicates, and a third would transmit it instantaneously over telephone lines.
"Around the turn of the millennia," said Slingsby, "people began to move beyond paper and recognize the importance of computer networking. The First Internet had its roots in the 1970's. Initially, it was limited to government research agencies, but by the 1980's it began to spread through the business world. In the 1990's, it exploded into the private sector."
"Was the Great Master one of its pioneers?" someone asked.
"Indeed he was," replied Slingsby. "Though he didn't care to admit it, he would spend hours at his computer 'surfing the Net', as it was known back then. He was especially fond of the newsgroups rec.history, alt.wine.french, rec.folk.british, and alt.lawyers.greedy.die.die.die.
"His disk drive contained many short articles explaining the history and characters of his songs. They were unmistakably of his own creation since early draft versions were found as well. Evidence suggests he would piece these together, have Lady Kristine Stewart edit them to remove any British idioms and spellings, and transfer them across the 'Net. Mysteriously, none ever appeared on a public newsgroup. It is speculated that he E-mailed them privately, though to whom no one is certain."
The tour group moved to the other side of the room, giving me an opportunity to scan the credenza. The papers and accessories were all clean, but taped to the side of his monitor was a business card which read:
------------------------------------------
| Great Lakes Talent Agency |
| |
| Southern Michigan's Finest Source of |
| Acting Talent for All Occasions! |
| |
| By the Hour, By the Day, By The Week |
| |
| No Job Too Small! |
| Confidentiality Guaranteed! |
| |
| (517) 555-3937 |
| Retainers Available |
------------------------------------------
...and on the back of the business card was the following:
1995 ASML BOAP: Best Correlation to Final Results
# Voter Correlation ------------------------------------ 1 Noel Kaplan 0.7344 2 Bob Spector 0.6698 3 Dave Nachmanoff 0.6669 4 Andy Peterman 0.6605 5 Adam Woolfe 0.6404 6 Brian Carroll 0.6362 7 John Shannon 0.6289 8 Paul Feldman 0.6252 9 Steve Smoot 0.6251 10 Ben Henwood 0.6219
1995 ASML BOAP: Worst Correlation to Final Results
# Voter Correlation ------------------------------------ 1 Jeff Johannes 0.0018 2 Veronica Honer 0.0613 3 Robert Van Howe 0.0708 4 Pete Ball 0.0752 5 Doug Steele 0.1402 6 Emily Branson 0.1643 7 Steven Sharpe 0.1824 8 Douglas MacPhail 0.1860 9 Matt Jarvis 0.2143 10 Jeff Porter 0.2349
Soon, we found ourselves admiring the Great Master's handsomely framed map of the Earth. There were over 200 countries in those days, each forming one colorful piece of a beautiful patchwork quilt.
"Where are the logos of the corporate sponsors?" asked the little girl.
"That practice didn't begin until about a hundred years ago, honey. Each country sponsored itself in those days. Political boundaries changed frequently due to wars and shifting alliances. As the Great Master himself so eloquently put it, the colors of the map kept running and running."
That jolted me awake. What an obvious place to hide a poll result! I carefully scanned the map with my TSR while Slingsby continued his oration.
"The world had shrunk considerably in the 20th century due to advances in transportation and communication. Still, it took nearly a day to travel corporally from one hemisphere to another, and two-way data exchange was similarly limited and slow. Each country was thus able to maintain its own distinct culture.
"It wasn't until S. J. Brundle invented the first working teleportation chamber in the year 2112 that the world's borders truly began to fade." Slingsby paused to swat a fly that had been buzzing by his ear. "Oddly enough, there are still some who pine for the simpler days of nationalism and multiculturalism. They claim that teleportation, plus similar advances like neurocomputers and the Pan-Galactic Net, have only served to over-homogenize our society. They claim we have become soulless, interchangeable robots who have lost the ability of independent thought. Do you think that's true?"
We all shook our heads.
"Me either. I prefer to believe that the human race has simply reached consensus on most crucial issues. But back in the Great Master's day, consensus was a very rare bird indeed. Shocking numbers of his contemporaries were combative, aggressive, dogmatic, and quick to demonize those of opposing viewpoints. Entire cottage industries sprang up to promote fanaticism and divisiveness. Curiously, many who crusaded against intolerance were among its most frequent practitioners.
"Thankfully, the human race has moved beyond those petty times. We have learned to deal peacefully and rationally with one another and to accept our occasional disagreements gracefully. Intolerance is now just a puff of smoke against the sky."
"Geez, I hate that song," said one older man.
Slingsby vaporized him with a blast from his phaser. "Heathen," he muttered under his breath.
("Don't worry folks," he said to us reassuringly. "I only had it set it to stun. He'll rematerialize in a few minutes.")
Too bad he didn't shoot me. I was going crazy trying to find hidden poll results on the map. Nothing registered on the TSR, nor did anything turn up under the X-ray or ultraviolet settings on my flashlight. Even the frame was unmarked. How could they have missed such an obvious hiding place?
In frustration, I leaned back against the credenza. I must have brushed against the laptop because it suddenly glowed with a pale blue light. A list of data files appeared on the screen. And what do you know -- one of them was titled POLLREAD.ME. Here's what it contained:
1995 ASML BOAP: Songs with Highest Standard Deviation
# Song Album St.Dev. ---------------------------------------------------- 1 Love Chronicles LC 2.780 2 Accident On 3rd Street RAA 2.702 3 Hipposong FLW 2.596 4 The News From Spain 0 2.569 5 Mondo Sinistro 24C 2.556 6 Samuel, Oh How You've Changed BI 2.466 7 End Of The Day TP 2.462 8 Night Of The 4th Of May O 2.450 9 License To Steal LDOTC 2.417 10 Nostradamus PPF 2.414
1995 ASML BOAP: Songs with Lowest Standard Deviation
# Song Album St.Dev. ---------------------------------------------------- 1 Life Between The Wars BTW 1.591 2 Night Train To Munich BTW 1.641 3 The Black Danube BTW 1.660 4 Pandora IS 1.662 5 Soho (Needless To Say) PPF 1.733 6 Betty Boop's Birthday BTW 1.738 7 Warren Harding PPF 1.768 8 I Don't Believe You O 1.773 9 You Should Have Listened To Al LC 1.775 10 Scandinavian Girl TWIMC 1.785
Suddenly, one of the middle-aged women in the group froze in her tracks. Her eyeballs rotated, her head spun 360 degrees on its axis, and her hair took on an odd shade of cerise. Gasping and gurgling, she toppled backwards into the bookcase sending it crashing to the floor.
Her husband shrugged. "First day with the new brain," he explained. "Reckon she just up and core dumped."
We all nodded understandingly. The break-in period was always the toughest.
"Take the teleport chamber in the foyer to the infirmary," said Slingsby helpfully. "They can reboot her in a jiffy and you can rejoin us at our next stop -- the Great Master's family room."