"This is my favorite part of the tour, folks," said Slingsby as he led us into the library of Stewart Manor. "It was in this very room that the Great Master found the inspiration for most of his greatest works."
Well, it wasn't Alexander's but it was impressive just the same. On every wall, from floor to ceiling, were bookcases packed with volumes on every topic under the sun.
Near the center of the room was a comfortable straight-back chair and an antique floor lamp. On the adjacent endtable were some of the Great Master's favorites: The Rise And Fall of the Third Reich. Great Wineries of Southern France. All The President's Men. The Beginner's Guide To The Internet. Even a few comic books thrown in for good measure.
"Needless to say, the Great Master was an avid reader," said Slingsby. He picked up one of the texts on the endtable. "Behold: 'The Handbook of Vietnamese Astrology', inspiration for the epic 'Year Of The Cat'!..."
He picked up another. "''The Biography of Admiral Lord Fisher', inspiration for 'Old Admirals'!..."
And a third: "'How to Keep the Record Company From Canceling Your Contract', inspiration for 'Song On The Radio'!..."
He read off a few more titles, but I was too depressed to pay much attention. This wasn't promising at all. For one thing, there were so many books that it could take years to find any hidden poll results. For another, most of them were on one side of a security force field and I was on the other side.
Without much enthusiasm, I set my flashlight to Carbon Dating mode. About half the books dated from 1996 or later, so I could rule those out right away. But I soon came to one shelf in which *every* book, about eighty in all, dated from 1900 through 1995. Could that be merely a coincidence?
I got out my temporal sight restorer and leaned in for a closer look. None of the book spines bore any secret markings. However, written in pencil on the front of the shelf itself was the following:
"1995 ASML BOAP: Most Suggested 20th Century Song Subject"
And that was all. No list followed, no vote tallies, no nothing. I scratched my head. Where were the results? Then I scanned the next shelf down and saw the following addendum:
"Count the books, stupid."
Those 20th century people were such cards when they got a little wine in them.
This is what I calculated:
1995 ASML BOAP: Most Suggested 20th Century Song Subject
# Subject Votes ------------------------------------------------ 1 Nixon, Richard / Watergate 5 2t Kennedy, John F. 4 2t Vietnam War 4 4t Apollo Landing / space exploration 3 4t Hiroshima / Nagasaki / Atomic Physics 3 4t Master, Great 3 7t Berlin Wall, history and fall of 2 7t Einstein, Albert 2 7t Freud, Sigmund and Jung, Carl 2 7t Hemingway, Ernest 2 7t Mao Zedong 2 7t Oswald, Lee Harvey 2
At least, that was as best as I could tell. It was tough to fit the texts into nice, clean categories. One book was about Freud alone, for example, and another about Freud and Jung. Still, it seemed a rather enlightening list. And at any rate, I now knew what to look for.
"Well, folks, shall we move on to the conservatory?" asked Slingsby.
"Um, I have a question," I called. "Did the Great Master write any books of his own?" I knew the answer of course, but I also knew it would keep Slingsby talking while I finished my search.
"Not exactly. In 2029, after a freak accident at a New Year's Eve mosh pit concert in Houston, the Great Master retired from live performing. He settled into his library to write his memoirs. Regrettably, he never got past the first line: 'I was a post-war baby in a small Scots town.' Writers' block is a terrible thing."
Don't I know it.
"Eventually, he settled on writing a murder mystery: 'Death Among the Vines'. It was set at a winery in Southern France, and it was a magnificent work indeed.
"It traced the history of the region, from the Romans to the time of Charlemagne, through the Islamic incursions, the Franks, the Gauls, the Huguenots, wars with Spain and England, the fall of the monarchy and the rise of Napoleon, the Germanic invasions, the Socialist era, the Eisner invasion and the Great Mouse Wars, and the Decade of Mourning following the death of Jerry Lewis.
"It discussed the theory and practice of winemaking, from the preparation of the soil to the growing of the grapes, the harvest, the crushing and sanitation, advances in fermenting, bottles and artwork, and proper distribution, storage, and decantation.
"It covered great French artists like Monet and Manet, Rodin and Toulouse-Lautrec, and their influence on the great Stewartian era artisans like Warhol and Wyeth and Barkocy. It discussed French politics and its simultaneous embrace and rejection of internationalism. It touched on religion, social justice, philosophy, folklore, sports, and archaeology. It took three years to compose and ran 4500 sparkling pages.
"It sounds marvelous!" gasped one woman. "Why wasn't it ever published?"
"That was only Chapter One," said Slingsby sadly. "He had only introduced two characters by that point, and he hadn't, strictly speaking, murdered anyone yet. Chapter Two was just underway at the time of his tragic demise. Since 2103, a group of Buddhist monks in Nepal have continued the project which they hope to have completed by the early 25th century. Disney already owns the holomovie rights."
"I've seen it," said the avatar in a whispery voice. "Great flick."
Somewhere between the Huguenots and the Toulouse-Lautrec scene, I found what I was looking for. A bookshelf near the window contained only texts dating from 1899 or earlier. Again, it was difficult to categorize the books precisely, but the count was roughly as follows:
1995 ASML BOAP: Most Suggested Pre-20th Century Song Subject
# Subject Votes ------------------------------------------------ 1 Lincoln, Abe 5 2 American Civil War / Gettysburg 4 3 Poe, Edgar Allen 3 4t Columbus / discovery of new world 2 4t Cook, James / voyage to Australia 2 4t Custer, George 2 4t Galileo 2 4t Jesus 2 4t Luther, Martin 2 4t Pepys, Samuel 2 4t Sand, George / Women fiction writers 2 4t Torquemada / Spanish Inquisition 2 4t Victoria 2 4t Wilde, Oscar 2
There may be poll results inside some of the books themselves, but if so they're lost forever in the cold stream of time. I left the library humming 'Josephine Baker', as Slingsby swung shut the big oak doors and led us across the hall to the Great Master's music conservatory....